I find it utterly baffling that so many people in my life seem to think I’m doing fantastic, when I feel like I’m sinking deeper and deeper. It just seems like all they can see are the things on the outside: The fact that I have a job, that I’m doing volunteer work and keeping busy, that I managed to quit my current job in favor of a less crazy-inducing one without apparently burning any bridges, that I’ve agreed to rent a disgusting little room in a disgusting little apartment now that I’ve got some paychecks under my belt. Nobody sees me sitting here, right now, rocking back and forth, grinding my teeth, sweating profusely, muttering to myself. Nobody seems to see me sobbing uncontrollably every day, pulling it together briefly only to lose it again. Nobody freaking realizes that every time they tell me my hair looks beautiful it’s like they’re saying, “At least your mother’s in a better place.” I feel crazier than ever and I desperately wish somebody would see but everyone is just blithely chirping away about how well I’m doing. What the hell is wrong with people? Do I have to stop showering again for you to notice me?
I don’t see what you see.